Why Do Some Women Expect Less?

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Why do we as women sometimes learn to expect less from our relationships? If you expect less that’s what you will get is less. Lately I have been noticing a common link in some of my friends relationships.

They are willing to overlook some major red flags and continue down what seems to me, a destructive path. All of this is none of my business of course, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering why.

First I should point out my own relationship is not perfect. We have our moments for sure, but never for a second will I ever worry about who my husband has been with. Nor will I have rumors constantly surrounding us about his alleged infidelity.

To put it mildly where there’s smoke there’s fire.  My own relationship is built on mutual trust. If it wasn’t, it sure as hell would have been a tumultuous last 9 years.

I refuse to accept less. Its all or nothing for me. Sometimes even when we know something is true, we refuse to see it for what it is. It hurts too much. The problem with ignoring certain aspects of our partners is that it can come back to bite us in the ass, when we least expect it.
Sure there’s some things I ignore in my partner. Like farting in bed and his sometimes so smart he’s almost arrogant (know it all) manner.

Those for me, are worth overlooking because of the bigger picture. He loves me. He is a great father. He is so smart. He’s funny and kind. He’s trustworthy.  He’s honest. He can be sweet when least expected and he’s great in bed (when he’s not farting). He also takes amazing care of his family.

To me those are the things that matter most. Without trust though, non of those other things matter at all. At least for me. I couldn’t continue in a relationship unless I knew without a shadow of a doubt my partner is completely devoted to me, and me alone.

Doubts in a relationship are poison.  You can ignore them but they keep coming back. Seeping in to your thoughts poisoning them all. This kind of stress ruins people. I couldn’t live like that, let alone build a relationship on that.

I put my all into all that I do. I expect the same in return. Loyalty in all things. There is no relationship on earth worth holding onto without it.
I hate to see anyone of my friends suffer in a relationship like that.

The fact is they chose to overlook it, and by default chose the consequences that come with overlooking something of that magnitude.

I guess sometimes it takes witnessing other people’s relationship issues to realize just how special your own relationship is. Not to mention how good it makes my husband look. I’m not going to tell him though, it might add to his sometimes arrogant manner.

Light Up The Darkness

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“Sometimes god removes people from your life. Don’t run after them.”

~ Unknown

I read that quote the other day. For me at that moment it rang true. I don’t get why some of us hold on so tight to the people, places, and things that are so unhealthy for us?

Why are we so fundamentally flawed as human beings? Why can’t we see what’s right in front of our face? Why do we get so defensive when others try to point it out for us?

Recently I witnessed the harsh realities of addiction, and the effects it has on the children caught in the crossfire.

It was a Saturday afternoon when my husband got the text. A friend of ours was expressing suicidal thoughts via text message to a mutual friend. She had also mentioned ending the life of her four year old child who was by her side.

When you hear a thing like that, you know something needs to be done immediately. She was staying at a motel in town, but wouldn’t tell anyone where.

It took me 25 minutes to talk her into telling us where she was. She finally caved when I told her my husband and I where in the area, and just wanted to stop by to bring her, and her son some food.

When we got there the room was in disarray and she was acting like nothing had happened. There where trash bags of clothes everywhere. Her four year old was sitting in his own urine. The room stunk like cigarettes, and her face was a mess of scars from picking at it.

As I looked around the room in utter dismay, I thought about how lucky I was she had actually told me where they were.

She didn’t need to tell me what was wrong. We both knew. Only drug addiction can ruin someone this fast.

This women who less then a year ago had kept one of the cleanest houses I had ever seen, (before she lost it, and everything else) was now living in a pig sty, drug infested motel that was only paid up until the following day. She couldn’t even look me in the eye she was so high.

I asked if she minded me taking her four year old to the pumpkin patch and  later to my house. I told her I would bring him back the next day.

I lied right to her face.

She  packed me a bag full of clothes as if she expected me not to bring him back.  At the time I had no idea what I was going to do with a four year old little boy, but I knew I couldn’t leave him there, in that place.

The irony of the entire situation was that I had stayed directly below that room with my own family as a kid for a few months. Growing up my father was never around, and my mother suffered from mental illness. We struggled throughout my entire childhood. In some instances we were homeless and stayed wherever we could. Including that motel which is used by the county to house homeless families. It is a wretched, awful, disgusting place no child should ever call home.

Before we left, my husband and I tried to convince my old friend to get help. This wasn’t the first time she threatened suicide, and honestly I dont think it will be the last unless she gets the help she needs.

You might be wondering why I didn’t call the police on her once I got there. The truth is my only concern was getting the child out of that place and away to safety. As it was all of our pleading and warnings fell on deaf ears, but it reminded me just how blind we can be to our own tragedys.

On the way home we stopped, and bought the little guy an outfit to change into that didn’t smell of cigarette butts. We asked if he wanted to come home with us to stay for awhile, and he said yes so fast it broke my heart.

Once there I cleaned him up, and let him play with my girls. Eventually I got ahold of a relative, and explained the situation. Later that night, he left my house in the arms of a very loving and safe family member.

I’m not sure how his life will be going forward, I only hope it gets better for him, and stays that way.

The phone call to his mother, was not pleasent. At the same time as angry as she is, I hope she understands one day why I did what I did. In her right mind my friend would have never said those things, let alone kept her child in a place like that. I did not know this person, and I refuse to turn a blind eye to the suffering of a child.

Part of being a good friend, is not cosigning their bullshit. I hope she gets the help she needs. This life is very short, and is a gift when lived right. I prey she doesn’t waste it any longer.

As for me, I realized that day that I could no longer continue to chase after anyone on that path. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.  No matter how hard you try. All you can hope is that your own light is bright enough to show them the way back home when their ready.

Choices

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Choices is what life is all about. We make choices from the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep. Sometimes they are little ones and before we know it years have gone by, and what started as little choices turn into huge regrets that you can never take back. That’s the problem with bad choices; you have to live with the wreckage.

I personally still deal with my own wreckage from the bad choices I made many years ago. I’m lucky enough to have  the chance to atone for my terrible decisions I made so long ago.

Recently I have had to watch a person who means the world to me slip back into that awful cycle of drug abuse and it’s all I can do to not go running to try and save them. The truth is you can’t save someone from themselves.
It all goes back to free will.

When I think about all the things I want to say to this person it’s out of pure concern for them. Not just their own well being but all the friends and family that care for them and are effected by those bad choices.

The one thing I have learned about regrets is that my biggest one’s in this life, are the ones that affected those I care for.

Since I have changed my life all those years ago I can honestly say I have no regrets now. My life is my own. I am not that lost, hopeless person I once was. I have purpose and meaning in my life today. It took a lot of work to get that far, and I’m not finished yet.

When I look back on those lonely days I spent filling the void inside myself with drugs I feel so blessed that I found the strength to change my circumstances. It really is your own choice what you become in this life.

My greatest joy today is my family. I get to be present in each moment that passes in my children’s lives. There is no drug around that could top the fierce pride I get from watching my children’s milestones. Some things can never be replaced.

Parenting done well, is a selfless act. The choice to give life must be honored. I’m not a perfect mother. I have my moments where my kids drive me crazy like everyone else. I am still working on it, and that’s okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that. You get back what you put in.

My advice to anyone in that situation is to figure out what it is you want out of life, and set the goals you will need to succeed. Even if it means you have to start your life from scratch. Build it back up piece by piece. One fucking day at a time. One fucking brick at a time. One fucking breath at a time.

I should add forgiveness as well. Not just for those you feel have wronged you but for yourself. You can’t move forward if you can’t get over the past. People make mistakes. That’s what we do. What separates us from the rest is how we learn from those mistakes.

In the song Stairway To Heaven by Led Zepplin their is a lyric that says “Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there’s still time to change the road you’re on”  I find this brilliant in its simplicity. It sums up exactly how I feel about having regrets and recovering from them. We hold the power to stop making bad choices in our lives.

To me life is beautiful and ever changing. The choices we make today ripple through time and memory, and help shape our tomorrow.  The void I once filled with drugs is now filled with laughter, love, family vacations, bed time stories and so much more. And it all started with one brave choice…